The Mild, Mild World of Sports

"The Olympic Games are the quadrennial celebration of the springtime of humanity." -- Pierre de Coubertin, Olympic organizer, 1894

"Okay."-- Jo Merrell, 2010

As many others in the last week or so, I have watched a few hours of the Olympic Games. I find some of them to be interesting, artistic, and truly athletic and competitive. I admit I enjoy some figure skating and ski events. Others leave me scratching my head wondering how in the round world such things were ever made into competitions at all, let alone made a part of the Olympic Games. To name just a few:

Curling -- Curling was invented in Scotland sometime in the 16th century. The earliest curling stone ever found was dated 1516. Curling is the "sport" in which a grown man slides a granite stone from one end of a sheet of ice to a target, or "home", at the other end. The stone is guided on its way by two other grown men with brooms who, without touching the stone, sweep a path in the ice ahead of it. (I have been told since posting this piece that there are women's Curling teams, too. I find it hard to believe that any woman would find any competition fun or entertaining if it includes a broom.) Each team gets 16 chances to land a stone on the target, while trying to dislodge the other team's stones. I have never read what may have prompted the development of this game; however, having studied up a bit on my Scottish ancestors, I am pretty sure long winters, rabid drinking, and mind-numbing boredom were involved. Remember, these are the same folks who brought you golf (which is only a little less boring), haggis, plaid skirts for men, and bagpipes. The winners in the 16th century went home with whatever whiskey, side of meat, or woman was agreed upon beforehand. Winners today get Olympic medals and their names in the news.

Biathlon -- (or, as I call it, ski-a-while-shoot-at-something) The Biathlon is a competition which combines skiing and shooting rifles. It is reported to have been developed by Norwegian soldiers as part of military training. I have it on good authority it was more along the lines of the following dramatization:
Gustaf: "But honey, all the guys are going!"
Ilse: "Sure, go; leave me here with wood to chop, fish to brine, wool to weave, and twins to birth, while you go off skiing with your drinking buds!"
Gustaf: "I'll be home by sundown."
Ilse: "Fine, whatever...but bring home dinner!"
Historically, object of the exercise was to repel advancing Nazis in the dead of winter. The Norwegian borders having been declared safe for some time, it now repels sports fans world-wide.

Cross-Country -- Cross-Country is just what it says. Competitors ski across miles of snow-laden country side, sometimes uphill, sometimes down, arriving at the finish line cold and exhausted. It is a long, hard, icy journey that takes hours by ski and five minutes in a Volvo, and one that even the most dedicated camera crew doesn't see through to the end. The phrase "We'll be back right after this!" was coined especially for, and used more often in, the Cross-Country events. The winner receives the Gold medal and his own oxygen tank.

Don't let my confusion make you think I'm not a fan of the Olympics. These events aside, some nights I'll still be right in there cheering on the good ol' USA, and hoping the Chinese and Germans slip, trip, and fall. Go, Yanks!